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Read what other parents have found to work in their situation. Maybe it can work in yours too!

 

Sibling Rivalry

I have one child with ADHD and one without. They are always fighting with each other (verbally) but it creates much stress in the house. The child with ADHD tends to be impulsive, grab toys and be very loud.

The other child seems to feel that her brother gets away with everything, even though he also has consequences for his actions. I think she just might feel left out because he requires so much time.  How can I help them to get along? The constant fighting is keeping the house in an uproar.

Replies:

I would like to try to give you some ideas you might try with your daughter and your ADHD son.  I wish you had of included their ages.

First, I'll tell you about my situation.  I am a 57 yr. old grandmother, raising an ADHD grandson.  His mom has left him many times, and calls, sometimes, usually when she needs something, not because he needs her.  His dad is in prison for probation violation, and facing manslaughter charges.  He loves his parents, and it breaks my heart that neither one of them have ever put him, or his problems first.  He has problems at school, and wants friends so badly that he actually chases them away.  He is in fact, a friend that anyone would love to have, if they were mature enough to get to know him.

Enough on what goes on here as a single grandparent.   I'm in no way a professional, but in my opinion, you are blessed.  If I could have a sibling for Stephen I would.  What an opportunity you have to teach your daughter about compassion, and disability.

These are a few of the things I would do, if I had a sibling for my grandson.  I would set aside a special time for just me and my daughter, go to a movie, shop, the park, whatever she would love doing, but don't forget dinner, because eating out-one-on-one is a wonderful time to TALK, even if all you can afford is a balogna sandwich on a park bench.  Use a family member, a friend, or whoever for your son at that time, it belongs to you and her.   I would explain her brother's disorder to her, his need to feel in control, yes even of the toys.  I would tell her I needed her to help you, help him.

Ask your daughter what things might help at play time and chore time. 

Let her know if it doesn't work, it was still a good idea, and worth trying.  Remind her that she is not responsible for the fact that her brother is different, but that it is a family situation, and that she is a big and equal part of that family.  Let her know how much you love her and appreciate her, even though her brother does require more time.  Make up some parables for her, like " I really thought I had it bad when I broke my toe and couldn't play baseball, and then I saw a child with no legs"  Let her know how blessed she is to have an opportunity to help a child, with special needs,  BUT NEVER, AND I SAY NEVER SHORT CHANGE HER ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY, or hour, or what ever time you have for just her.  Hang a calendar in her room and mark every one of them.

I could go on and on, but I imagine you have a lot of e-mails to sort through right now.  In closing, I'd like to say one thing.  As the parent, you know the stress,  will the school call today?, should I let him go to John's?, what will he do at that party?, why didn't I just stay home, and none of this would have happened?, I love him so much, if he didn't have arms, everyone would like him, why can't they see he can't help most of what he does, but is instantly sorry for what he did,  he didn't plan it, it was impulsive, and he only thinks after the fact,  his own sister doesn't like him, why won't he mind? etc...etc...

These issues and many more are hard for us adults to deal with, so how does a little girl deal with it?  She needs her special time, awareness, progress reports, and most of all, appreciation.

Your daughter, nor her brother can help the fact that his brain goes 90 miles per minute, has a heart of gold, forgives everyone, never holds a grudge, wants to be liked by his peers, can't reason, has no organizational skills, would give a person the shirt off his back, if it were his last one, will physically labor with you side-by-side for hours and never complain, will wait on you hand and foot if you are sick.  These children are gifts, and they are smart, they just aren't like other kids.  Actually, I'm thankful my grandson isn't like most other kids these days. Think about that one, as to morals!!

I'm done, finally!   I will leave you with a statement my grandson's aunt told me.  She was taking her son to a counselor (he was severely ADHD), and she told the Dr., "I've had it, I'm at my wits end, and I can't take it anymore).  The doctor looked at her sternly, and then said, "if you feel that way about his disability Mrs. Bartee, just try to imagine how he feels about it, and himself)!

ODell

 

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I have the same problem with my two sons Thomas 8 (adhd) and William 6.

We have now set up rules that with everything we do we take it in turns - Me included!!!

We work out the itinerary for the week and all have input to what goes on.

Bedtime is the most difficult for me with Thomas so William and I have a special time in the morning (6.30am) to make up for the difficulties at night.  William feels pretty special.

I am also about to endeavour on an exciting adventure with the two of them.  They are so different and difficult to please together so I am taking them on separate holidays.

Thomas wants to go to Paris to have a cappucino at the Eiffel Tower, and William wants to go to Tasmania.

At  first I  thought I couldn't do this separately.  However,  the two of them agree that their holiday is theirs and their choice of what  they want.  It will also be easier for  me to deal with  them individually and attend to them  on a  one to one basis.

I have enlisted in-law family members to help with this and believe that  in the longer term the boys will really see the benefits of  being "INDIVIDUALS"

It's so difficult for William because  he is like an angel compared to Thomas.  I just try to focus on their  strengths and help them  find  the good in  each other.

Difficult I know in the  middle of the chaos.  Hang in there, work out a plan, work  together as a family and it will work out.

Jennifer

 

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I have the same problem as you only all 3 of my boys have ADHD and my daughter does not, She often feels left out and feels that the only way is to behave like the 11yr old.  She is 13yrs old. They did not get on until someone told me to treat her as if she has ADHD too. Whenever they wanted to go out, an adult went with them, of which she did not like, I told her that if she shows me she can grow up and behave we would let them go on there own, but also asked her not to tell her brother, we told her brother the same thing.  At the moment this has worked and they now ask for one another to go out.  My 11yr and 7yr old don't get on at all.  The 7 yr one thinks his brother is a germ, he wont even sleep in the same room as him.

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I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM .MY SON IS ADHD/ODD AND MY DAUGHTER IS FINE .THEY DO NOTHING BUT FIGHT . SHE IS TO THE POINT OF MOVING IN WITH HER FATHER.

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My two youngest children were fighting a great deal.  When I had had enough, I gave in to bribery.  I went to the bank and got two rolls of dimes.  On the kitchen counter I had three bowls. One was mine, and there was one for each of them.  To start, each of them received 5 dimes in their bowl and the rest went into my bowl.  

Each time I caught them getting along (and in the beginning I really needed to find a moment or two) I would give them a dime.  If I saw one apologizing or doing something nice for the other, I gave them a dime.  Any time I saw them fighting, I took a dime away and put it back into my bowl.  

I told them at the end of the week, we would go to the mall and they could buy something with the dimes they had earned.  

The trick is to catch them getting along in the beginning so they feel the success.  After a few days, I saw a huge difference in the level of fighting.  The house once again became peaceful. (well, at least more peaceful than before.)